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“MAAH –RIGGH!  Is what “bwrings –us to gethur…. TODAY!”  With that opening line, my 32 year old son began his sermon at his 28 year old sister’s wedding and made good on a promise he’d made to her when she was a little girl.  He certainly didn’t know he’d be a United Methodist Pastor when he made such a promise, but he knew his father was one and would very likely be able to pull it off.  That hilarious line from The Princess Bride was one Nathan and Haley would hit pause and rewind over and over again when they first watched this 1987 movie that became a classic, and he vowed he’d say those lines to her on her wedding day, just to get her laughing.

But, truthfully, marriage is no laughing matter in the 21^st Century.  The “state of marriage” in America today would reveal that at least 1 in every 2 marriages ends in divorce.  I’m not one of those who will jump into the “blame-game” of why that happens and hurl blame hither and yon.  I’ve heard more than enough blaming already… from blaming women who won’t be “subservient to men like they were in the ‘Bible Days’” to blaming homosexuals or the pursuit of gay marriage; from sex education in the public schools to too much television– playing the blame-game does nothing to solve the problem of marriages falling apart.

I’ll be honest with you, pondering, praying, and studying for this one sermon in this “Promises, Promises” series has been more difficult than with any of the others. Hands-down harder, and up until this week, I even wondered whether marriage vows were even on the radar screen of most Americans.  Then I read the newspaper articles about American Presidential candidates.  From the looks of things, the candidates want to portray themselves as being “more married” than the other!

Marriage involves, first and foremost deep and meaningful relationships.  People whom I love in my own family, my friends, and my church members are affected every day by the challenges marriage and divorce brings.  I strongly suspect you could say the same thing, so no one is in any position to judge.  I recognize that relationships sometimes do not work out for varieties of reasons, and divorce is a reality that even the United Methodist Church through the Discipline (Paragraph 161-Social Principles) takes a compassionate view toward.

Studies I’ve read suggest the threat to marriage that ends in divorce is at its highest between the 2^nd and 4^th years of marriage.  In terms of the divorce rate, that’s when it’s at its highest.[1]  So, questions caring congregations, pastors, and church members ought to be asking are:  “How can we provide networks of care for newlyweds?”  “How can we be mentors for those who need help?”  “How can foster an environment/climate of Christian caring where no subject is off-limits and even stories of failure and disappointment can be shared in the safety-net of prayer/support instead of gossip and finger-pointing.  Just listen to some of the titles of resources that Dr. Kyungsig Samuel Lee, Psychologist and Professor at Claremont School of Theology recommends reading and implementing in the local church:

10 Great Dates Before You Say I Do, by David & Claudia Arp

FOCCUS-Facilitate Open Caring Communication Understanding & Study &

How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk (or Jerkett), by John Van Epp

Now that last one, especially, might merit study for even those of us who are already married—you know, kind of help us turn over a new leaf here in January and leave behind some of that which makes us “jerks.”  Shop early and pick that up at a bookstore for each other on Valentine’s Day!

Couples who come into my office seeking direction about their wedding ceremony are surprised to learn that the Marriage Service is right there in front of them in the pew racks inside the hymnal!  While they may have been skimming the internet, looking for just the right ceremony and just the right words, they seem pleasantly surprised to see it.  I sometimes wonder that if I weren’t married and sat in the pews, finding myself bored, I’d pick up the hymnal and begin planning my wedding ceremony.  There it is at page 864, right next to the funeral service (which I don’t think is intended to be joke planned by those hidden experts who write hymnals).  Within that very brief and traditional ceremony are two instances where a couple must consider two promises, doing so in a very public way.  Their love, attraction, passion, and desire for each other may be very private and personal, but the pledging of their promises and vows occurs in extremely public and outward settings.  It’s as if the whole world will soon know just what to expect from these two standing at the altar, ready to say, “I Do!”

First — “The Intention” as it’s called:  Listen to the question-

“Will you have ____ (name) to be your husband/wife?

Will you love him/her, comfort him/her, honor and keep him/her in sickness and in health, and forsaking all others, be faithful to him/her as long as you both shall live?

That’s a question, literally, about intent-about willingness, about commitment.  Loving, comforting, honoring, and keeping someone is a 24/7 activity in all kinds of weather; in all kinds of circumstances.  Choosing to do all that with that certain someone also means a willful decision not to do that with someone else.  That’s what “forsaking all others and being faithful…” is all about.  Clearly, a big decision!  Before a wedding ceremony can go any further, this one matter has to be tended to and addressed, publically and reverently, just as the service begins.

In over 34 years of officiating weddings, I’ve never once experienced a couple balking at this initial question to the point where the ceremony ended like you see it portrayed in movies and television when the pastor/priest asks, “Is there anyone who can show just cause why these two persons should not marry?”   But, I suppose it could happen.

The important thing here though is not whether or not that has happened and distraught couples run crying from the altar but whether or not the intent is clear that marriage involves making choices that both individuals must make-100%.  A marriage where one partner is giving it 110% and another only 90% will soon crumble.  In pre-marital counseling, that’s what I call the “New Math of Marriage Relationships” where 100% plus 100% equals 100%.  A successful marriage takes a full effort by both individuals.  That’s why I’m so glad we’re at that point now in our understanding of men and women that each person is asked the very same question and makes the very same vow.  What a triumph that no Methodist service that I’m aware of has a vow anymore that asks the woman only “Will you love, honor, and obey?”  The two are equal partners, both making choices, perhaps even sacrifices, in order to make a marriage truly work.  At no time does either person get to just “rest on their laurels”-it’s a 24/7 activity for both.

The next and last promise is one you might have even memorized.  Like the first one above, it’s asked equally to both individuals, you might recall those very words:

In the name of God,

I ____, take you ____ to be my wife/husband,

To have and to hold

From this day forward,

For better, for worse,

For richer, for poorer,

In sickness and in health,

To love and to cherish, until we are parted by death.

This is my solemn vow.

In a slight variation in this same vow, another wording actually uses the verb, Promise–…and I promise before God and all who are present here to be your loving and faithful wife/husband as long as we both shall live.  These are immensely powerful words. What happens when we dare to live them out boldly, courageously, with forgiveness, patience, understanding, and grace?

I don’t believe it’s an accident that when John wanted to tell a story about the miracle of knowing and loving Jesus that he chose a story about Jesus who (apparently) went reluctantly to Cana, (with his mother, no less!) to attend a wedding of family friends.  Of all the Gospel writers, John commands mastery of words and through words and images, spins tales and evokes passion and symbolism in this “word that became flesh and dwelt amongst us.”

So, before we encounter anything beyond the close-knit following of the disciples where they will step out onto the larger stage, before any public engagement is even acknowledged, John tells a story that for him, is the first miracle story in the entire gospel—and it’s a story set in the context of a wedding at Cana, where the wine supply ran low.  Then, as well as now, it seems, one thing wedding guests count on is free booze!  Jesus’ mother believes he’s “ready” for the larger stage, despite even Jesus’ own initial protests.  So Jesus begins to completely re-make a wedding day experience.

You can believe what you want to believe about the chemistry of wine-making and water-drawing, but one thing is clear in John’s story—where Jesus is, there is abundance.  Where scarcity threatens to diminish your joy and happiness, Jesus brings abundance overflowing.  And when it comes to all the resources we wished we had in a marriage, whether that be more money, more time, more sex, better looks, calmer children, a bigger house, a nicer car, you name it… Jesus presence that day at the wedding in Cana made all the difference in the world.  Had that un-named family of the bride and groom in Cana known that about Jesus ahead of time, it would clearly have been Jesus’ name on the wedding invitation, not his mother’s!  It makes you wonder what he’d do for your relationships if you’d invite him to be a part of them in stronger and more meaningful ways.

Promises, promises, from baptism promises to “Saying I Do!” what powerful promises we’re called to make.  God help us keep them!  I’ve got one Sunday left in January and invite you next Sunday to consider the most important promises of all—the ones Jesus makes to us.  Let us pray:  (The pastor praying….. Amen.)